


tell me did you really think i had gone, when you couldn't see me any more?

by zaynfreakingmalik



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, M/M, POV Multiple, Self Harm, louis is sad, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-07 07:35:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1117235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaynfreakingmalik/pseuds/zaynfreakingmalik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis doesn’t remember a time before it, and his own mother long since stopped showing the cigarette burnt out name on her own arm. Louis isn’t stupid, he knows that some of these people can’t really be soul mates, you can’t predict love and you can’t force it. Somehow it got into everyone’s brains that you can, and the day you turn 18- you’re suddenly allowed to know who your soul mate is. You’re thrusted into the world, head first, and expected to just run off and fall in love. Louis has seen what happens to people who don’t fall in love, and that’s what scares him the most- he’s seen bodies lying on the side of the subway or street corners, weathered, sad and fading names on their forearms of the people they never found or tried to run away from. The government keeps the bodies there, Louis thinks it’s so people know not to mess with the system. Fall in love, repopulate. Make your kids fall in love. Rinse and repeat. </p><p>OR louis falls in love with someone he's not allowed to but doesn't know how to escape his destiny</p>
            </blockquote>





	tell me did you really think i had gone, when you couldn't see me any more?

**Author's Note:**

> So basically, my best friend Lucy told me how she wrote a story where everybody had their soul mate's names written on their arms and being gay is absolutely not allowed but then these two boys get each other's names but refuse to accept it. I thought it was totally neato burrito and i used it for this story, so thank you lucy. all mistakes are obviously my own, usual disclaimer stuff.  
> i wrote this all in one night so excuse whatever mistakes there are, i got insanely excited.

**PRESENT:**

“Who’d ya get?” Niall’s voice sounds ridiculously cheerful and therefore even more Irish then usual. Louis cannot stop staring at the name burned into his arm- the day, the moment that they’ve all been waiting for and…

“Uh. Who’d you get?” Louis quickly asks, rolling his long sleeved striped shirt down his forearm quickly. Niall looks far too happy as he thrusts his own forearm forward, his braced teeth gleaming along with his eyes.

 

There in a perfect scrawl is the name _‘Mary Dique’_. Louis can’t find himself to look at Niall, instead just swallows the bump in his throat and offers a weak smile in return.

 **

The thing is, when you’re a kid you’re told that everything will be fine when you fall in love. You read stories saying stuff about how you get saved, or rescue someone and then you live ‘happily ever after’, so it only makes sense that it became real eventually. Louis doesn’t remember a time before it, and his own mother long since stopped showing the cigarette burnt out name on her own arm. Louis isn’t stupid, he knows that some of these people can’t really be _soul mates_ , you can’t predict love and you can’t force it. Somehow it got into everyone’s brains that you can, and the day you turn 18- you’re suddenly allowed to know who your soul mate is. You’re thrusted into the world, head first, and expected to just run off and fall in love. Louis has seen what happens to people who don’t fall in love, and that’s what scares him the most- he’s seen bodies lying on the side of the subway or street corners, weathered, sad and fading names on their forearms of the people they never found or tried to run away from. The government keeps the bodies there, Louis thinks it’s so people know not to mess with the system. Fall in love, repopulate. Make your kids fall in love. Rinse and repeat.

 

Nobody has ever defied the laws and rules, and Louis never thought he would either because the idea of falling in love sounded beyond appealing to him. But suddenly… It doesn’t.

** 

“Tommo’s keeping his a secret!” Niall says loudly as soon as Liam is walking towards them and within shouting distance. Liam gives Niall a politely stern look before glancing at Louis who is suddenly fidgeting with the sleeves of his shirt as if terrified Liam will grab him and pull his shirt up and laugh.

“Well that’s his business, Ni, he doesn’t have to tell if he doesn’t want to” Liam offers Louis a warm Liam-like smile and Louis tries to return it but he still feels like he’s going to vomit since seeing the name written on his arm. He knows people will ask, there’s no avoiding it. Nothing scares Louis more.

“That’s bull! I showed him mine!” Niall insists, smiling flirtatiously at a group of girls lounging just outside the coffee shop that the three are currently walking past.

“And that was kind of you, but he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to” Liam continues in the same polite, patient tone as always. Louis would nudge him gratefully, but he knows that Liam knows and that makes him feel even more sick.

 

“Fine, who’d _you_ get?” Niall grumbles out. Liam uneasily eyes Louis, who determinedly continues to stare at his sleeves as they walk, Louis notices Liam roll up his sleeve to show Niall, but Louis doesn’t get a look at the name, thankful for the distraction

 **

**5 YEARS AGO:**

_“I can’t wait till I fall in love. Can you imagine how perfect everything will be then?” Louis asks Liam as he gazes at him, the two lying on their back as they look up at the stars together. Liam laughs softly,_

_“I think it’ll be nice too. I never would have picked you as one to be a hopeless romantic, Lou.”_

_“I’m not! I just like the idea of falling in love. Having someone to love you unconditionally.” He breathes out softly. Liam turns his head now too, his curly hair ruffling against Louis’ forehead gently as he looks in Louis’ eyes, sensing the sadness and longing Louis only lets out whenever he’s with Liam._

_“I love you unconditionally, Lou.” He whispers softly. Louis swallows hard in the back of his throat and feels his head lean in closer to Liam’s, their foreheads touching now._

_“Li?” Lou asks finally, so quietly he can’t even hear himself. Liam just nods slightly, his eyes still connected to Louis’._

_“Yeah Lou?”_

_“Do you ever…. Do you ever think that maybe something will go wrong?” Louis wants to say more, wants to write out how he feels onto the palm of Liam’s hand but feels like he can’t move._

_Liam’s eyebrows knit together in concern like they always do when Louis gets like this at night, when they’re together with just the stars._

_Liam’s eyes widen slightly and Louis feels his heart stop as Liam connects it, as he understands finally what Louis doesn’t understand himself._

_“Louis… With your mum that was- that doesn’t happen. That was when the system had only just started and they’ve fixed it since then, it’s gotten better, there’s no more holes, no more mismatches like that. I know it was hard seeing her like that, and it still is, but- that’s not going to be you” Liam whispers. Louis’ throat tightens and he closes his eyes tightly, feeling one tear slip down his right cheek, glad that it’s dark._

_“Hey, you’ll be okay. I’m here for you.” Liam offers a tiny smile as condolence and Louis feels like if he says anything now, if he tries to correct Liam or tell him that’s not what Louis meant, then he’ll start crying. Liam, who is trying so hard to understand and help and make Louis feel better about what will happen one day to him, but who doesn’t know what Louis is really trying to say here. Louis just manages a small nod, pressing his lips together into a tight smile._

 

_“Besides, we’ll go through it together. That’s what best friends do.” Liam adds and Louis just closes his eyes, keeping them closed until he can only see his eyelids and not the stars or Liam’s stupidly sweet smile or his fringe touching Louis’ forehead gently, wishing that Liam could know what Louis really meant._

**  
****

**PRESENT:**

 

“I still think this is dumb”

“Haz, shut up”

“Oh sorry Zaynster, should we hold hands or something? Squeal like those two girls just did?” Harry teases, shouldering Zayn playfully. Zayn’s not having any of it today however, instead continually checking on his hair and adjusting his clothes as if his soul mate will pop out of nowhere and laugh and ask for a different name.

“Now I’m usually one all for skipping school, but when they make you skip school to find out this sort of stuff it takes out the fun” Harry continues.

“Hazza, I swear to god.” Zayn grits out as the line moves forward once more, people glancing at each other’s forearms and exchanging names before glancing around nervously. Others looking excited in the line as they move forward, a few throwing up, a couple crying- they have the pick of the lot here.

“Next” The government official says in a tired voice, and Zayn lights up like a puppy, moving forward to the woman who asks for his name before taking a sample of his blood onto a piece of paper that confirms that Zayn Malik is indeed his name. The woman scrunches up his sleeve and using a second syringe, pushes down with no mercy on the main vein in his arm. Zayn hisses slightly before glancing down in surprise at his forearm as the official hands him a swab and shoo’s him away, connecting eyes with Harry and motioning him to take a step forward.

“Next” She supplies dryly. Harry looks out beyond the crowd, trying to find Zayn’s quiff or hear some tell tale sign that he’s still around somewhere, but he seems to have disappeared now that he finally has his name.

 

“ _Name?_ ” The official snaps to Harry who glances down at her, holding her hand out for his arm. Sheepishly he hands it to her, still glancing around for Zayn before muttering ‘Harry Edward Styles’ and flinching as she pinches him for blood, the monitor beeping in satisfaction as people in lines around him continue to do the same thing. One couple let go of their intertwined hands as the girl steps forward to find out her name, the boy looks like he’s praying. Harry lets out a small yelp as she injects him, handing him a swab just like she did with Zayn and shooing him away, but before Harry can walk away, he continues to stare at the girlfriend as she glances down at her name before letting out a shriek and a ‘no’ and beginning to cry. The boy’s face pales and the tears are steady against his own face but he steps forward still to collect his own name, even if he did just find out that for his girlfriend and himself, they were not the ones.

 **

“How’d it go today Lou Bear?” His mum is waiting for him outside their tiny, dilapidated house, holding a dishrag in her hands and looking hopeful. Louis feels his eyes burn and he shrugs, trying to act nonchalant.

“Fine.” He replies, trying to move past her and into the house. She’s not having any of that however and follows him inside, practically on his heels like their old dog Nessie used to.

“You’ve always been excited for this day, love!” She begins to say but Louis opens the front door and is blinded by the bright lights and numerous family faces cheering for him, holding up glasses and laughing together as they cheer Louis’ name in unison. Louis turns to see his mother looking hopeful at him, beaming slightly nervously.

“What….” Louis croaks out as uncles, aunts and cousins come to slap him on the shoulder happily, congratulating me.

“Well they all knew it was your big day so I decided we’d make a gathering of it to make it a bit nicer! You erm, you do like it don’t you boo?” She asks hopefully. Louis can feel the ground spinning below him but still manages a weak smile and nod.

“Yeah- yeah ‘course, mum, thank you.” He murmurs as Lottie hugs him tightly, telling him how jealous she is. Louis feels drained and keeps his hand over his forearm protectively, refusing to show the name to anyone, feeling scarred and suddenly threatened as family continues to mill around him, asking about it.

His mum must sense something is wrong finally when Louis continues to refuse to show the name to anyone and waves everyone back slightly.

“He’s had a long day, he’s probably exhausted! He’s always been a closeted romantic, this one. Let him sleep” She tells everyone happily, leading Louis to the stairs with a sturdy hand which he is grateful for because he feels like his own knees are about to give way. Relatives begin to cheer and yell out their goodbye’s and goodnights before turning to each other or refilling their cups of whatever alcoholic beverage his mum made and Lottie is trying to sneak into her own cup.

 

When Louis reaches his bedroom finally, he feels himself fall against his bed. He feels his entire body shaking as he rolls up his sleeve once more to look at the name that is practically burned into his retina, he had hoped it would have changed, but it’s not. It’s still there, as permanent and dark as anything. _Harry Edward Styles_.

**

**3 YEARS AGO:**

 

Louis’ always had that feeling inside of him. That moment where he’s found himself admiring a boy’s backside or thinking that a particular boy is cute. He’d always thought it was natural, that everybody did it every now and then and that he could just ignore it, but there was always that rock in his stomach, that weight reminding him constantly of those moments.

When Louis was a freshman, there had been talk and laughter of a senior who had graduated years before Louis had arrived and had found out that his soul mate was a boy. A boy falling in love with a boy. It had been ridiculed for years, months, even now. Louis noticed that most people who died on the streets and were left alone when women would have the name ‘Tina’ or ‘Stacey’ an undeniable also female name inscribed onto their arms. Same with the boys. That had always scared Louis, and maybe that’s why he had never thought it would happen to him, because it scared him so much he refuses to think about it, because those were the people that always died alone and Louis wanted anything but that.

It wasn’t until Louis was at a party one night and had spotted a boy with unruly curly hair, much like Liam’s, but piercing green eyes that Louis had even indulged into those thoughts. He had drunk a little and maybe it was him imagination, but it felt like the boy kept eyeing him mischievously. Louis had staggered over and the boy had laughed before saying,

“Took you long enough” And Louis had been taken aback by how confident this boy was. Louis had eyed him before grinning and shrugging, leaning in closer under the pretense of trying to hear better. The boy smelled like pineapple.

“I’m James.” He had offered. Louis had glanced into his eyes again, unable to stop and had thought, maybe even said as well that he didn’t _look_ like a James. The boy- James- just shrugged before raising his eyebrows at Louis. Louis had paused for a long moment, unsure of whether to say his real name or not. In the end he had gone with his middle name and said he was William because he didn’t want word of this coming out at all, ever.

“Like the prince” James had grinned, his voice was light, raucous and Louis thought the boy was insanely adorable and cute and he even had dimples when he smiled.

“Well I certainly hope this wouldn’t be how you’d treat a prince” Louis had replied cheekily. James had laughed loudly at that and inched closer to Louis as crowds of people begun to disappear either outside or leave altogether. The house was much quieter and Louis realized he hadn’t thought about Niall or Liam for a while, even more- he found he didn’t care.

Louis had felt his heart bubbling in his chest and when James had drunkenly stumbled closer to Louis once more, the air between them electric, Louis had leaned down and pressed his lips to his, quick and chaste and about to pull back before James’ eyes widened and pulled him back in by his hair, his hands falling against Louis’ neck before kissing him deeply once more. When they pulled away, blushing violently, James had stuttered out, once more, a

 

“Took you long enough.”

**

**PRESENT:**

 

“Mate are you sure about this?” The tattooist asks doubtfully as he eyes Harry’s almost completely bare forearm presented in front of him. Harry felt his head drop against the plastic cushion on the arm chair he was located in.

“No offence bro, but I gave you the money for the sleeve, not for life advice” Harry sighed. The beefy guy merely shrugs and switches the gun on, the buzzing immediately starts and causes Harry to close his eyes in anticipation, hoping to god his mother won’t murder him too much for doing this.

“Anything?” The tattooist asks loudly over the buzzing. Harry bites down on the bottom of his lip, his eyes still squeezed shut as he manages a weak nod.

 

“Yeah. Pretty much anything” He agrees.

 **

“What happened?” Liam immediately asks when he picks up the phone. Louis sighs inwardly, cursing Liam for his inept ability to tell when Louis is fucked up, sometimes he wishes Liam was more like Niall, with his attitude of generally not giving a fuck.

“Nothing. I wanna get proper maggot tonight.” Louis says simply. There’s a long silence on the other end and Louis can already tell that Liam’s eyes have widened dramatically as he tries to figure out what to say. Louis hopes that Liam knows that this means things are so bad that talking about it won’t help but alcohol will.

“Alright” Liam finally agrees hesitantly. “Should I round up Nialler?” He asks, unsurely. Louis nods before remembering Liam can’t see him and muttering a small yes.

“Okay. And… Hey, you- we can talk. If you need to” Liam reminds him once more in a solemn voice. Louis scrunches his eyes shut even tighter, determined not to feel anything, wishing he was already drunk.

“Easy for you to say,” Louis laughs quietly. “What’s her name?”

There’s an even longer pause this time, Louis can tell with bitter satisfaction that Liam is uncomfortable.

“Emma” Liam finally whispers, sounding like he might cry himself. Louis feels like such complete shit in that moment that he doesn’t say anything more, merely clicking the end call button instead.

It’s not Liam’s fault. It never could be, because if you met Liam Payne and he murdered your dog right in front of you, you would still not blame him.

But the thing is that Liam is so empathetic that he will feel bad for everything and everyone even when he can do nothing to help. Liam is such a good friend that he will literally beat himself up about this all night, maybe even all week.

Louis didn’t think he could feel worse.

He almost cries in relief when his phone buzzes, _‘leeyum sed u wanna drink? ((((: leggo!’_

 

Louis sometimes wants to kiss Niall.

**

**THREE YEARS AGO:**

 

“You disappeared at the party” Niall said and just like that Liam’s eyes are on Louis like a hound and Louis knows there’s no getting out of it now, not when Liam knows. Louis sometimes wants to kill Niall.

“Err yeah. I walked and fell asleep” He shrugs, glad that Niall believes his lie easily enough but of course Liam doesn’t.

When Liam pulls him aside later, Louis is expecting it but still tries to play dumb, or act innocent. He feels better since kissing James. Like  a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Like he doesn’t have to be afraid or alone anymore, like he’s unstoppable.

“You okay, Lou?” Liam asks whilst pretending to look for a book in the quiet hush of the library.

“Erm. Yeah. Course.” Louis offers Liam a weak reassuring grin and Liam frowns, for once looking slightly threatening with the stubble covering his jaw handsomely.

“I get worried about you, you know” Liam sighed finally. Louis feels his heart twinge but he looks down, away, anywhere but at Liam as he nods slowly.

“You’d tell me, right?” Liam adds, pushing slightly, in that careful Liam way. Louis bites the inside of his cheek and looks up to see Liam still looking at him, worried as anything.

“Course I would. You’re my best friend.” Louis laughed uncomfortably. Liam visibly relaxes at that and smiles brightly.

“And you’re mine. Love you, Tommo.” And Louis doesn’t know what it is. Maybe it’s that Liam says he loves him, or maybe because Louis is thinking of James and how sweet and easy and _nice_ it was to kiss him. How right it felt. Louis is surging forward once more and pressing his lips to Liam’s.

But it’s nothing like it was the other night. It isn’t sweet and chaste. It’s awkward and Liam stumbles backwards, crashing into the book shelf behind them loudly and wincing as he continues to stare at Louis in shock, as if his lips have set Liam on fire.

“I- ”

“Lou- ” The pair say at the same time. Louis feels the weight of the world crash down on him suddenly, once again and he realizes that he just kissed his best friend, his crush, he just came out to him and he-

He doesn’t feel the same.

 

“Oh.” Louis whispers at the same time that Liam scrambles up, attempting to move closer to Louis but Louis is pushing backwards this time, before running out of the library, not even caring or bothering to hide how loud his sobs are.

**

**PRESENT:**

 

“You didn’t tell me it was a party” Louis can’t help but grumble beside Niall as the Irish man cheers loudly beside him at a drunken game of beer pong.

“Yeah course it is, Tommo! Everyone found out today so everyone wants to get fucked!” Niall grins happily, waving at a few people as he leads Louis in. Louis immediately covers his arm protectively at the mention of finding out and immediately sets his eyes out for alcohol of any kind. Luckily, that’s not hard to find and it isn’t long before Niall is cheering him along as he chugs back his third beer, feeling his vision go fuzzy around the edges and his mind feel that blissful blank and empty and _light_.

“TOLD YA IT WAS A GOOD IDEA!” Niall is yelling in his ear, laughing like a maniac as people clap Louis on the back. Louis is laughing and he has no idea at what anymore but he doesn’t care because it feels so nice to laugh like this, loud and careless and free.

Louis shuffles away, noticing an insanely sexy looking guy with his hair gelled in a perfect quiff, a cigarette dangling from his fingertips as he talks. _No_ , a voice commands inside Louis’ head. _You like girls, you like girls. You have to._ It reminds him. Suddenly Louis doesn’t feel so drunk, stumbling slightly as he walks out into the patio where the sexy boy is still standing and talking, barely batting an eye at Louis.

“-gonna kill you for getting that Haz.” The boy clucks his tongue, igniting the cigarette and rolling his eyes, and that’s when Louis notices the other boy that previously had been hidden from his view. This boy-

He’s gorgeous. He’s got his own brown wavy hair gelled up, off his forehead, his jeans so skinny that it looks like he can’t move his legs much without tearing them. And on his forearm- it’s covered with tattoo’s. Words and pictures and an outline of a bird, and the words ‘things I can’t change’ which even Louis thinks is poetic and. Then the boy is laughing and he has dimples, they seem to cover the entire expanse of his cheeks and Louis loves them.

He glances over and pauses and his eyes are a dark green, almost grey and Louis thinks they’re almost familiar but mainly that they’re breath taking, and that this boy is breath taking. The boy pauses for a moment before offering Louis a smile, one which Louis returns immediately. The dark haired boy seems to get a phone call because suddenly he’s cursing and pulling the phone out before turning away and walking further down the dirt path to shout into it to be heard.

“Hello” The boy says, his voice is deep and sounds both mischievous and sweet and Louis feels his entire mouth go dry as he smiles, glancing down at his feet shyly.

“Hi.” He finally spits out.

“Took you long enough” The boy doesn’t seem to mind though and Louis laughs, shaking his head and stepping closer to him. A name flashes into his mind. A name that means he’ll fall in love with a boy, and that a boy has his name on his arm which means that Louis can’t risk it, because he can’t fall in love with a boy. He can’t.

“I’m Liam.” He says instead, mentally hoping that Liam won’t murder him. The boy tilts his head to the side and obviously looks Louis up and down before smiling, biting down on his bottom lip as he does so.

“Edward.” He replies. Louis doesn’t realize he almost sags completely out of relief that this boy’s name is Edward and not Harry, not carved into his skin entirely.

“Like the vampire?” Louis asks, wondering where he got all this courage from suddenly.

“Well aren’t you made to be afraid of me then?” The boy asks, moving closer to Louis as well, he looms over Louis, almost a complete foot taller then him. Louis glances down at the boy’s forearm.

“Interesting ink.” He comments. The boy frowns and shrugs, crossing his arm over the other one protectively.

“I don’t like thinking that people can tell me my future. It’s something I can change, or something I want to at least.” He says, looking out at the dirt path his friend had just disappeared down. Louis nods, following his gaze.

“I don’t like knowing either. I haven’t showed anybody. I think it’s stupid.” Louis says softly, almost too truthful and vulnerable. Edward glances at him.

“How come you haven’t showed anyone? Everyone else can’t seem to stop showing people” He laughs dryly and Louis smiles at that.

“Because it’s my business. Not theirs.” He shrugs, half telling the truth.

“Liam- you’ve got a nice arse. I’ve been looking at it all night” Edward finally says. Louis almost jumps, scared that Liam is behind him before remembering that he _is_ Liam. Instead he turns to face Edward, cheeks burning bright.

“Just my arse?” He asks, knowing his cheeks are on fire as the boy grins at him dirtily.

“Well your eyes are quite nice too” He whispers, his face tilted down, lips hovering over Louis’, a question in his eyes. Louis doesn’t think, barely even blinks before pushing up on his toes to meet Edward’s lips. Edward immediately reaches both hands onto Louis’ arse, picking him up and causing Louis to wrap his legs around his strong waist. Edward seems able to do it almost effortlessly.

“Took you long enough” Edward voices and Louis can _hear_ the smirk. He pushes his face into Edward’s shoulder, feeling tinier then ever before.

“Anyone could see” He chokes out. He feels Edward go still for a moment before beginning to walk, still holding Louis tightly to his body and carrying him down a different dirt path. Immediately Louis’ view is obscured by trees surrounding the pair- Edward seems to know where to go though and continues to move the pair forward before the music is just a dull throb and Louis can’t hear laughter and he’s dropped gently onto his back on the soft ground of the forest. Edward is on him immediately, kissing his neck and his hands squeezing each one of his arse cheeks experimentally, causing Louis to whine from the back of his throat and cant his hips up, meeting Edward’s. The boys both groan as their clothed erections brush and immediately they’re both desperate more, letting out hungry pants and moans as they kiss and grab and bite at anything they can reach. Louis’ hands reach under Edward’s low v neck shirt, letting out an impressed breath of air as Edward tenses under his touch, perfect ridges forming immediately over his once flat stomach. There’s barely any light except for from the stars above and neither seem to mind as Louis rips Edward’s shirt off over his head. Edward sinks lower from where he hovers above Louis, breathing against his crotch as Louis whines before unzipping the pants and pulling them down ungracefully as Louis claws at Edward’s front and back, leaving scratch marks surely all over his skin and not minding a bit.

His mind is spinning, he feels light as a feather and can’t stop looking at the stars as Edward easily sucks him into his mouth, making filthy noises as he swishes his tongue over the head, causing Louis to shove his own fist into his mouth and scream from overwhelm.

Edward is moving steadily against Louis’ right leg, his hips moving in circles, rubbing his erection on Louis’ calf without a care in the world. He pulls off Louis with a loud pop, his eyes are hooded and he makes a show of licking his lip, Louis is panting and still moving his hips forward even though Edward is no longer touching him.

“Do you want to?” Edward asks huskily, sounding fucked out. Louis glances down, his mind frazzled as he connects eyes with Edward’s dark green ones.

“Want to what?” He asks softly. Edward bites down on his lip before drawing Louis’ legs up, never breaking eyes from Louis as he pushes a dry finger silently against Louis’ hole. Louis’ eyes shoot wide open in realization and his head falls back against the ground as he swallows.

“I- yeah. Okay, yeah.”

“Is… This your first time?” Edward asks hesitantly. Louis can feel his heart in his throat and doesn’t look down as he nods once.

“I don’t- I don’t have. Stuff. I don’t really-” Louis begins to babble. Edward kisses the inside of his thigh, causing him to shake.

“Ssh. It’s okay, I got you.” He whispers reassuringly, his thumb rubbing over where he just kissed Louis. Louis nods once more, knowing his entire body is tense as Edward massages him gently, whispering for him to relax. He opens his wallet and pulls out two small square packets, looking up at Louis apologetically as he does so.

“This- just. It’s not going to be great to begin with. You say stop and- and I will.” Edward promises, although his eyes look hungry as he watches over Louis’ almost completely naked body. He unbuttons his own jeans slowly, shucking them downwards into a heap onto the ground. He steps out of them pulling himself to full length, his face tightening as he does so. Louis has to look away, glancing up at the stars instead as he swallows hard. He heard one packet opening and the grunts of Edward jerking off quietly before the second packet opens. Louis almost jumps as something cool touches his rim gently, slightly prodding but not pushing just yet. Louis can’t and won’t look down, keeping his eyes on the stars still.

“Okay?” Edward asks huskily. Louis nods quickly and squeaks as the finger pushes in, just the tip, it’s uncomfortable, and cold and it doesn’t feel right and already Louis knows it’s not going to fit. Edward doesn’t seem discouraged however, placing both of Louis’ legs over his shoulders and pulling him closer down the ground. Louis let’s out a breathless whimper as Edward pushes all the way in. As it goes past the first knuckle, Louis feels it begin to hurt, burn and stretch and try to adjust and he whimpers once more, squirming against the ground uncomfortably. Edward shushes him gently once more, kissing his thighs again and then up to his stomach and then his neglected cock.

The second finger is worse. It hurts even more then Louis actually has to ask Edward  to stop and tries his hardest not to cry, even though he feels like this is wrong.  When he gives Edward the go ahead finally, he pushes in slowly and Louis can feel tears falling down his cheeks rapidly.

“I- I don’t think we should.” Edward says finally, sounding like he’s been bursting to say it for a while now. Louis blinks open in surprise and glances down feeling his stomach lurch as he sees Edward between his legs.

“What?” Louis asks croakily.

“This- I’m hurting you. Fuck. I’m trying not to but I am and we’re on the floor of some fucking random forest and this- this isn’t right.” Edward sighs shakily. Louis can feel Edward’s fingers still inside him and sits up cautiously, immediately letting out a gasp and falling back onto his back as he does so. Sitting up Edward’s fingers bend and are crooked in just the right place and they seem to graze over that one spot Louis never even knew existed. It sends jolts of pleasure through Louis and he knows he needs to find it again.

“I- no. No. Tell me how to make it right. That- that felt good. Really good.” Louis pants. Edward hesitates before crooking his fingers once more, gently and Louis feels his entire body jolt against the ground as he moans. This seems to encourage Edward and he pushes in more roughly causing Louis to keen and grab at his back, clawing at it desperately. Edward pants before slowly adding in another finger, which is admittedly better and causes Louis to moan out Edward’s name brokenly. When Edward takes his fingers out Louis just lies there and pants, knowing what’s coming next.

When Edward pushes the head in, Louis feels overwhelmed suddenly. He feels the full weight of what he’s doing and almost wants to tell Edward to stop, but he doesn’t want to at the same time. Louis gasps and bites down on Edward’s shoulder as he pushes all the way in, bit by bit and then brushes back Louis’ hair, asking if he’s okay over and over again until Louis experimentally twists and feeling the head of Harry hit that one spot yet again.

He hooks both ankles up over Edward’s arse and pushes him in deeper with every thrust, letting out small moans and whimpers and whispering his name over and over again, never once looking away from the stars as Edward groans and continues to meet his hips against Louis’, letting out tiny yells and swearing under his breath.

 

The stars seem to wink at Louis.

** 

Louis didn’t think it would get worse, but it does. It’s days after and Louis feels disgusted, like he got caught doing something particularly bad. He doesn’t want to go out, or talk to anybody, his mum gets particularly worried when he refuses to even talk to the real Liam.

Louis just wishes things were easier. He wishes names didn’t exist that told him who he was supposed to like. He wishes he could just like whoever the hell he wanted and none of it would matter. He wishes he could find out this sort of stuff for himself rather then finding out by having a name permanently etched into his skin.

He lies in bed and scrolls through google on his phone, desperate to find answers and try and find proof that he’s not alone. But no matter what or where he looks, there’s nothing. Louis knows most articles and stories have been taken down by the government anyways.

When he thinks of Edward, he thinks of him fucking him, and Louis feels dirty. So instead he thinks about Edward’s tattoo’s covering the name on his arm, and it reminds Louis of what his mother did, burning out the name, a little sign and act that she would not co-operate with what and who they wanted her to be.

It’s that that makes Louis grab the scissors from his bed side table. His hand shakes as he tries not to think about it being his skin. Rather, paper, or a word he spelled incorrectly and needs to cross out. He needs to fix this, fix himself. He needs to. He needs to be happy.

It hurts, of course it does. He doesn’t feel numb or empty, he feels everything and too much of it and it makes him start to cry silently as he crosses it out over and over again. He wants to scream, he wants to make the name escape his brain. He wants to throw the scissors across the room or slice them across his neck. He wants to be somebody else. His skin is red and scratched and beads of blood are slipping down his arm, it causes an almost instant euphoric reaction throughout his body and at the same time he feels drained and exhausted suddenly. His phone rings beside him and Louis knows it’s Liam.

 

He cuts deeper.

 **

“’Ello?” Harry greets, frowning at the unknown number on his phone screen as he picks up.

“Are you Edward? I mean Harry? Harry Edward?” A breathless voice asks him from the other side. Harry’s hand pauses where it is currently mindlessly tracing the tattoo’s covering his forearm.

“Who is this?” He asks, more sharply then he intends.

“Liam.” The voice says, it sounds as if he’s running now. Harry’s stomach lurches at that and he sits up from where he’s slouched on his and Zayn’s old couch.

“What?” He asks, blinking rapidly in confusion. “How did you get this number?”

“I – I asked Niall who said he saw Louis with Zayn and we asked Zayn and Zayn said Louis was with you.” He says and it’s then that Harry finally notices that this can’t be Liam. His voice is too low and serious sounding, it speaks a bit quicker then the other Liam did, and it cuts words shorter.

“Who is Louis? Who _is_ this?” Harry asks once more.

“Louis is my best friend.” The boy says in a fiercely protective voice over the phone. “And I don’t know what you did, but you need to fix it.”

“I’ve never _met_ a Louis” Harry says in an even slower voice then usual.

“ _For fucks sake!_ ” Liam swears now, causing Harry to raise an eyebrow, his heart racing too fast for him to even realize.

“Louis Tomlinson. He’s small, has brown hair, he’s skinny, has a big bum, blue eyes-“

It clicks in Harry’s mind for the first time that he wasn’t the only one lying and he immediately jumps up to his feet.

“Okay! Okay, okay. What- what is it? I don’t-”

 

“Meet me at 14 Macquarie street.” And then he hangs up.

 **

“What’re you doing here?” Louis sits up as he sees Edward with Liam, both peering into his room behind his mum who looks anxious as anything. His mum looks from Louis to Liam for instruction, both boys just nod, giving her the go ahead and she seems to sigh from immense relief, standing to the side and allowing both boys to enter, closing the door slowly behind them, as if trying to give Louis enough time to change his mind.

“What the fuck is this?” Louis asks angrily, looking up at Liam for an explanation. Liam audibly swallows reaches for Louis’ arm. He snatches it back, as if burned. Liam looks terribly sad.

“Louis.” Edward says behind him. Louis feels like the rest of the world has been pressed pause. He looks up at Edward who is smiling at him as if they’re long lost best friends. Louis wishes his heart would stop hammering in his chest when Edward says his name or looks at him like that.

“How do you – can you just. Get out. Both of you. Get out.” Louis pleads desperately. Liam looks from one boy to the other before stepping backwards, giving Louis a slightly hopeful look.

“Lou, there’s someone I want you to meet-”

“I’ve already fucking met him, Liam, get him out of here!” Louis yells, feeling angry tears sting at his eyes.

“Louis,” Liam continues loudly, over Louis. “Louis.” He repeats, his own soft brown eyes watering as he smiles at him.

“This is Harry Edward Styles.”

Louis let’s out a watery hiccup and looks up into those dark green eyes, that soft smile with the dimples. This boy he’s met before. As if it was fate. As if it was written to be and Louis just never realized, never thought until now that this- that _he_ could be…

“Hi Louis. Says here somewhere on my arm that we’re soul mates” Harry offers, he’s got a dumb smile on his face, showing off his dimples, his eyes wide and greener then Louis’ seen them before. Louis presses a hand to his mouth as he lets out a small sob. He stands up, unsteadily, taking in Harry fully for the first time.

“Took you long enough.”


End file.
